Saturday, May 27, 2006

Adjusting the Focus

I wrote a piece to post yesterday. It was eaten. It's gone. Bye Bye. When it disappeared I was all huffy and puffy and screaming, "HEY! You Stupid Head, GIVE ME BACK MY POST!" After taking a few cleansing breaths I realized Stupid Head did me a favor. Thank you Stupid Head.

The lost post was about my mom (yesterday was her 66th b-day-Happy One MOM), our family and our complicated, stressful, sometimes fulfilling relationships. Losing the post, gave me time to think, as the post was written in reaction and sounded a bit, well, reactionary.

Feeling like I was about to lose my mind dealing with all this crap from my past. My mom and brothers have made a comfortable home for themselves mired in the muck that was our life. While it's clear I must deal with it as I must deal with them, I am not really feeling the spewing ad nauseum of this particular topic-besides it's all still a little too close, too real. Thus, enough.

I awoke (too early) this morning and went cruising on my Bella Vista. I rode around the park with vintage Madonna bouncing my head and powering my legs. It came to me during BORDERLINE that I'm going to be 46 in just about eight weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! 46! Further, some of this weirdness I'm feeling is...mid-life crisis? No, not crisis, I think it's more like catharsis or more accurately, needing a catharsis. Or, even more to the point, I need to get, ahem..some. Well, not so much that, but more. You know to feel connected to something, someone other that mom, brothers, son and daughter. True, they are part of me, but not, I'm waking to discover-all of me. I'm needing to get out of my head and more into my heart, opening my heart again.

Now, I have absolutely no idea how to get there from here. But I'm guessing that all these new reading, writing, better eating, struggling to get in shape by gym joining moves must be about more than a healthy, longer more productive life. It must also be about this:


  1. You can't find love unless you're open to it and then it comes to you when you least expect it but...the internet does help.

  2. I believe I am opening. It's been a v e r y l o n g time.


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