Friday, July 21, 2006

two dollars and forty cents

Small change, two-dollars and forty cents; miniscule, minute even. What it represents is tantamount to that place freezing over. Well, no, not really, but come on, a fine? Levied against me? For not one, but two overdue library books? Yeah, that's what happens when you don't give them back, on time.

Shit. I feel like such a deadbeat. I don't remember ever missing a due date because I wasn't finished with the book. What? Three weeks, hell six (because I did renew one, once) not enough time to finish a book? This has been happening more frequently of late. The struggle to complete tasks, even things that I want, or like doing. I've been losing focus. I. can. not. concentrate.

Something has got to give.

I can't pin-point the exact moment it started. It may have emerged sometime last year. The insomnia started last year, shortly after my forty-fifth birthday. I've gotten fairly accustomed to operating on about four hours of sleep. Physically, I feel pretty well. The concentration, or rather, lack thereof, is most likely a by-product of the little sleep syndrome.

The doctor advises; no caffeine after noon, done. No exercise at night, done. Take a warm bath, done. I've tried warm milk, herbal teas, wine, whiskey and song, you know soft music. Nope. Nothing has worked.

I'm not having dreams either. Considering how little sleep I'm getting, not dreaming might be good, but still, I miss my dreams. I drew more and with greater ease and fluidity, when I dreamt.

While discussing this with myself the other day (yeah, I am the only one who really listens to me about me) it occurred to me that my mind is both wired and weary. The wired continuing to overpower the weary until weary gives in and wired takes charge. The net result is hours of wakefulness for this woman. So, how to trick wired into assuming the weary position?

I don't know. But, I am going to take another step. I'm altering the PTG schedule. I'm going to cut out three work hours, which if you factor in commuting is really five hours.

F I V E H O U R S ! To have five hours more a week to sit unencumbered by phones, interviewees, commuters or late evening revelers would mean more time to give weary a fighting chance, possibly even a leg up on wired. Maybe, giving weary time to transform into a restful being.

Then, maybe I can take a nap, get up refreshed and finish a book or something.

6 comments:

  1. Okay Deborah, this started for me around 43. Have you gotten the hot flashes yet? You are describing the beginning of~~~~
    da da da DUUUUUMMMM...
    ~~~~~THE PAUSE !~~~~~
    Next, when you DO finally get to sleep, you'll awake all night to pee.
    Time off from work is always a great thing, but it won't change this!
    I got used to it with time, but I must say in the beginning it was a shock.
    The 40's were STILL the best!

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  2. yeah it could be. i have been having trouble sleeping too. and i do get the hot flashes but only at night.
    i find (and so does my wife) that regular exercise (everyday) and diet make a difference.
    if you are 40 somethign and perimenapausal - try reading Dr. Norhtrup. She has a book on menapause and ways to deal with it holistically.

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  3. The Pause...ahahaha.

    I bet you didn't want to hear that, did you?

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  4. UUUUGGGGGHHHH NNNOOOOOO ! Not the PAUSE .. Elizabeth thanks for concern. :) !

    Weese, thanks for the Dr. tip, I'll check it out. I do try to get excercise daily-kind of tough w/the 2 jobs--but working it out (so to speak.)

    kmae, gettin up to pee--yeah got that- No flashes though-in fact I'm cold--so often that I wish for heat.

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  5. I think I just finished the perimenopause and am on to the full-on pause, which means the 8 years of hot flashes and insomnia are over. whew. I highly recommend a sleep aid such as ambien or trazadone, or lunesta. Sleep loss is a bitch, and something no one needs. It sounds as if you've done all the 'non-drug' remedies, to no avail. "Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible." Best wishes, dear.

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  6. Oh I so don't want to hear any of this.

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