Thursday, January 25, 2007

Envy

Green with it, I have been. When I hear, read, or see examples of people who have warm, fond memories of their parents and continue to have flourishing relationships with them, envy colors my landscape. Mom and Dad. Your world begins with this set. You may be added to a mix that includes a brother or two, a sister or two, all or nothing. Mom and Dad dictate your beginnings. Basic.

In my case the beginnings were, I believe good. I can remember back to being as young as 3 or 4, definitely 4 because I remember my first school, parts of it anyway. Mom and Dad were constant in my life then. I remember going on picnics, amusement parks, to visit my cousins and Big Mama’s house.

Mom rarely played with me, I recall. I don’t have a single, solitary memory, of her playing cards, board games, or even dancing, being silly with me. I don’t remember her ever reading to me. My dad was the goof. He liked silly songs, like Charlie Brown, Splish Splash and the like. He would dance and cavort, make silly faces and play. He was fun, until he wasn’t. Somewhere, somehow, dad got mean. He started to hit. It seemed I was getting hit more than my brothers, possibly not, but that is the perception.

Then he was gone. Because of all that led to him being gone, I, for one, was thrilled with his departure. My seven, almost eight year old brain processed the event as such, no more getting hit!Yay! I’m not quite sure how I knew that once he was gone, my time with him would all but vanish.

After dad was gone, mom grew even more sullen. She had moments of joy, some periods of UP, but mostly she was riddled with anxiety, bouts of depression and physical ailments that kept her from sustaining any long term motivation for nurturing. My brothers, eventually capitalized on the absence of any real parenting by acting out, drinking, drugging, joining gangs and participating in gang activities. I tried, as much as possible, to stay out of the way.

There were pockets of times when mom was lucid, she tried to correct the ills that had befallen the family. She screeched s o s to other family members, clergy, teachers and even though, still very angry, and bitter towards dad, tried to elicit his help, towards regaining control. He had, by this time, regained control of himself and was building quite a nice life for his new wife and his new kids.

There was temporary relief. Short-lived. Transient.

I envy women who have friendships with their mothers. My mother and I are close in that I know her well. I understand her mind. We love each other devoutly. But we are not friends, not in that way. Not in a "Hey, what are you doing Saturday, would you like to have lunch" sort of way. We are mother and daughter, she took care of me when she could, the best she could. I do the same for her. We are mother and daughter, roles slowly but surely reversing. Mom told Michael during a recent dinner, she didn't need friends, friends were too much trouble. She doesn't have many interests beyond navigating the waters of turmoil and strife.

I don’t know my dad. In the beginning, I didn’t want to know him. The older I got and the bad memories faded, the more I found myself, wanting so very much to be a part of his life and have him be a part of mine. There, again, were moments, pockets. He took me out for a fancy dinner on the occasion of my graduation from elementary school and again, from high school. His families (his mom was married twice) held a family reunion, we were both there. This is where he met my children for the first time. That was 15-16 years ago, he hasn’t seen them since.

I told a friend that I was would not play any more overtures towards my dad. I would not seek his companionship, love or approval. Anymore. At the time I meant what I said, lately, however, I’m feeling the need to reach out. Maybe it was the Saints being in town, maybe it’s the novel I’m reading where the story is set in Louisiana, maybe, just maybe it’s time again, to try again. Maybe.

I envy folks who have a treasure trove of warm, fond memories of past , and enjoy warm, fond relationships, still, with their parents.

Green, I am with envy, despite my best efforts to the contrary.

13 comments:

  1. Deborah,

    Don't spend too much time thinking about it unless you are sure that this is something you really need/want to do.

    Hang in there!

    GF

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am very fortunate, and I know it. But my husband has dealt with an absent father as well and his teeter-tottering feelings regarding their relationship, or lack thereof.
    As far as I can tell, he goes through phases. He makes the effort, he tries his hardest and gets nothing in return. So he shuts himself off and is so full of anger that he refuses to try.
    But after a while he yearns for that connection, that contact. And he puts himself out there again - to get hurt.
    All I can do is be there to hug him when he realizes he's never going to have the relationship he would like to have.
    I hope you have someone in your life to help you through those ups and downs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. From what I can tell, though, there aren't that many people to be envious of.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe you could just call him to talk now & then? Meeting would probably mess it up as it is HARD not to have high expectations when we are so needy of their witheld love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know what they say about the other side always being greener...

    Thoughtful post, Deborah. Thanks for the perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very heartfelt post...certainly some parts I could resonate with...other's not so much. That struggling with wanting to reach out again is a bugger isn't it?? Be careful of you though...sit with the thought and see what comes of it before you do anything...your heart doesn't need anymore owies.....

    Hugs hon......

    Barb

    ReplyDelete
  7. thanks for sharing. very touching. i, too, have a great deal of envy. i have been parentless since 12 yrs of age and even before that, it was more traumatic than nice.
    follow your gut instinct with your dad...follow your gut.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I now enjoy a very cursory, but evolving relationship with my father. His excuse was he always did the best he could. I final got it and decided to creat a new relationship on my terms. It's way easier for me. I agree with auntanilla--go with your gut.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your post touched me. I worry about what my daughter will think/feel about her absent father decades from now.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Family dynamics are often horrendously difficult. I think it is important to recognise when relationships of any kind wear themselves thin. If we continue with relationships that are based on neediness, guilt or pretense, then we inevitably invite a great deal of stress and resentment into our lives. The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to let go and move toward something more nourishing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous8:28 PM

    What I am reading here is that maybe you want to see your dad one more time even if it is just for closure...?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Being a psychologist, I can assure you that you are not alone. But at some stage, after your grieving, you can make a choice about how you will see that past. It can be a terrible burden to carry for too long. A lighter step may befall you should you , when you are ready, to let it all go. Except of course for the gold knowledge and experience that it has given you.

    Cheers from me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Very touching and revealing post, Deborah. I know I'm lucky to have my Mom & Dad, but everyone is envious of SOMETHING that someone else has and they 'missed out' on. Trust me.
    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete

Hi! Your visit is much appreciated.