Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Early Morning Thought

My younger brother's daughter graduates from elementary school in a few days. it will be yet another momentous occasion in her young life that he'll miss. I can't help but to think of our own father and all the events he missed. The only difference is, my brother committed crimes for which he was convicted that took him away from his children's lives. Our father segregation from our lives were not the result of criminal activity, but a crime none-the-less, I'd come to decide.

I've ruminated mightily over what to do, if anything, about my relationship with dad. One month I'm over being sad about his silence and another, I'm not. I am sometimes angry, sometimes resigned to the relationship that is ours, which is no relationship at all. I wonder if I have yet another push in me. I wonder if it will hurt as much if I write him again and doesn't write me back. I wonder if I can believe he loves me, when he won't even talk with me. I wonder if I can stop thinking it is indeed about me. I wonder if I can see his side. I wonder what is his side.

I wonder if it matters.

My younger brother's scheduled release date is yet another year away. By which time, his daughter (and son) will have celebrated some other momentous events. Hopefully, my younger brother will be able to find a way to invest himself in the lives of his children. Hopefully, his daughter (and/or son) aren't years from now wondering, what? how?

Does it matter?


  1. Deborah, people's actions/behavior continue to astound me.

    I've no words of wisdom except to hold onto the fact that you have managed to grow up, raise 2 amazing kids yourself and it's your Dad's loss that he has no relastionship with you. He misses out.

    I know that it doesn't lesson the hurt. {{{Deborah}}}

  2. Well, do you know where he lives, can you just go ring the doorbell & say hi? Maybe you could start a conversation with him & eventually get around to asking him questions.

    Other than that, I agree with Val.

  3. That's a tricky one. On one hand I think you should write him if you have it in you, but on another hand I wonder if it would be any easier on you if you cut ties completely?
    Sometimes the anticipation of pain can be just as damaging as the pain itself. And that's double the pain of not contacting him at all. Does that even make sense?


Hi! Your visit is much appreciated.