Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Every Breath Taken

It has been mentioned in this space that we had, at times, a fractured relationship. Yes, there was some discord from time to time. But she loved me (and my brothers) fiercely and depended on me mightily.

And I love her. I did (and will continue) to do what I can to honor her wishes and embody her vision with regard to commitment to community and family.

My mother took her final breath Feb. 18, 2013, 7:14 p.m. After all the laboring and uphill battles she finally, simply heaved a final sigh of release and went to sleep.

I was with her virtually every minute of her last day.  I trust that I was able to assure her that we were all okay that it was okay  for her to leave us, that we all would be fine.

I don't have the where-with-all to speak on the last several days and all that had transpired. I may not be able to expound fully, ever. But for now, please know that her being and leaving has left an imprint.

My brothers and I gathered for a meal Tuesday evening, our last before older brother returns home to Austin, TX Wednesday afternoon. After some conversation we each committed to working toward burying the dysfunction that has defined our existence for the past few decades.

I know it won't change overnight but it is comforting to have heard the notes to a song Mother had been singing for a long, long time.

Rest in Peace, mother dear. I am so honored to have been your voice when you needed it most. I am so pleased we were able to mend our fences and share some meaningful times in these last few weeks.

Thank You for your unabashed show of strength, courage, and compassion.

And thank you all for the words of support, expressions of love, encouragement, and more. My heart is very much warmed by your generous spirits.

♥ ♥ ♥


  1. I'm so sorry Deb. take good care of yourself.

  2. Anonymous5:48 AM

    I am sorry for your loss! Please find comfort that is she no longer suffering.

  3. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Mended fences are much easier to jump over when you feel like visiting who is on the other side; it's wonderful to hear that the sadness of her passing has initiated some hope for future happiness between you and other family.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. While your heart is undoubtedly heavy, Tiff is so right. My you continue feel your mother's heart working in yours, today and always.

  5. Deborah, please accept my sincere condolences to you and family at the loss of your Mom. She left with grace and dignity and that is what one would hope for. If you ever need to talk about something or nothing, I offer you my hearts' ear.

  6. D - My heart is heavy for your loss. You have a been a daughter often like I am a daughter, conflicted but full of love for the complicated mystery that seemed to loom so large before you. You are a good daughter, not just a middle child. A loving, imperfectly perfect child with a imperfectly perfect parent. I am so glad you were with her to allow her to leave her work here on this plane with peace on her terms. XO

  7. I'm thinking of you, D, and your Mom, and your brothers and family. I know it's hard. It just is.
    Keep thinking of the love and strength and let go of the strife.

  8. Anonymous7:14 PM

    So sorry. Hugs.

  9. I am so very, very sorry, Deborah. If you need an ear or want to talk, please know I'm here.

    My thoughts are with you and your family. This is a hard one. I know. I know.

    I wish you and your family healing and love and kindness and peace.

  10. This has all happened so quickly that I fear that you are still in a state of shock. You barely had a chance to grapple with the fact that your mother was ill and then she was just gone. This has got to run amuck in your nervous system.

    You are an extraordinary person and you have an extraordinary way of handling life. I'm glad that you and your brothers are finding some sort of solace with each other.

  11. Wondering how you are this Saturday. Hope you are finding the peace you need.

  12. @ sporks: Thank you. I'm trying.
    @Anon: her not suffering any longer is providing a measure of comfort, thank you.
    @tiff: Thank you. Hope, yes.
    @ Madame: I do most certainly accept your kind words and generous offer.
    @Lori: Thank you so much for . . . thank you.
    @e: I am. I am. Thank You.
    @ncp: Thank You.
    @EM: Many thanks.
    @Weese: ♥
    @Maria: 0 to 90 in 45 seconds. Shock, yes. Nervous system, much a mucking. You are kind, thank you so much.
    @ Madame: You must have been reading my mind. Peace is here, there, somewhere. Thank you so much for checking in. :-)

  13. Anonymous8:26 PM

    Hey there, long time no "see."

    It's been a bazillion years since I tended my own blog religiously but was going over it and came across a clickable link to yours, and thought I'd wander over.

    I'm sorry you lost your mother. I lost mine about 14 months ago -- we were estranged for about 15 years or so, and I made my peace with her after we got our ruling on our lawsuit. I'm glad I did that.

    I feel such a sense of loss -- and we were dysfunctional right to the end. To me, your sense of loss for your mother is absolutely unimaginable, but I hope that you take great comfort in knowing that you had the warmth of her love throughout your life, and that you were able to give her yours.

    Big big big cyber hug coming your way today.

  14. Anonymous12:52 AM

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  15. Anonymous10:29 AM

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  16. @milindoe: thank you so much for your words and sharing your experience. And the hugss. ((()))

  17. Checking in. Hope you are getting there.


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