Friday, February 06, 2009

A Different Chill In My Bones

The brand new parka offers no defense. The many layers of clothing are not helping much either. The sneaking suspicion is not even the higher temps forecast for the coming weekend are going do little to warm me. I can’t shake the chill.

Movement, maybe keeping busy will help.

The chill started a couple days ago. Beginning with, “Sweetie, sorry . . .”

It continued, “I care deeply about you and always will, but . . .”

Everything after but, became a blur including, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Chill settled in around my shoulders and hasn't released me.

I’ve read and re-read the missive and those that followed. I’ve talked with Neta and it’s clear she doesn’t want or rather, can’t be in an intimate, romantic relationship any longer. I have no choice but to accept her decision.

We have talked and will talk more. We will try to forge ahead with a friendship. We may become much better friends than we were lovers, or rather the lovers we were growing to become.
In our time together, given that we were 500 miles apart, there were many things that we hadn’t done as a couple. We’d had the opportunity to celebrate only a few “firsts” in our nearly two years.

There were many more “firsts” penciled on my list. Saying, “Neta was my girlfriend” wasn’t one of them. Thinking of and referring to Neta as my former girlfriend will be, surreal.

Maybe more hot tea will help this chill, though I rather doubt that it will.

18 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:46 PM

    I am so sorry for you loss of your girlfriend. Time will heal the chill for you. Good Luck!

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  2. O. NO. Shit. I'm so sorry. May your pain heal quickly. Damn

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  3. Aw CRAP. I'm so sorry.

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  4. Well that just bites. I'm so sorry. I wish I had some great words of wisdome for you, but I don't. I find wallowing to be somewhat satisfying in moments like these.

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  5. I'm so sorry. {{{ }}}

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  6. (((DMG))) Remember that is how you are in my phone. People always ask why I have the Dept Motor Vehicles in my phone. Ugh...I guess they never get to the G before they ask.
    You know Lincoln and I are here for you. Time heals...it will get better.

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  7. One day, not soon, but in time, you will wake up and this will not be the first thing that you think about. And it won't sting quite as much.

    And it will get better. Not soon. But, in time. Promise.

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  8. Oh, FUCK!

    This is only the second time I've ever done this, but I'm totally sincere...{{{Deborah}}}}

    Was that weird for you too?

    I'm here if you want to talk.

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  9. Oh Deborah. I am so sorry for your loss. It's like a death, I know. I truly feel for your pain & no doubt the suffering you are going to go thru over loosing Neta in the relationship you had come to crave. However the suffering you have been going thru just loving from such a long distance & not being able to see her hardly EVER was bad enough, & you exhibited major patience thru all that, I would have NEVER been able to stand it. Next time we gotta get you a lover that lives closer, or at least one that could move closer. I'm sure Neta will miss you in this capacity as well, altho'I think she will be really sorry she chose to terminate the dream. I wish the best to both of you, BUT I totally send YOU prayers , peace & light. It will take time my friend. Hard to believe, but you will be better off. We are all better off when we find a relationship with very little pain & drama.
    I send you my love & hope.
    (((((hugs)))))

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  10. I am speechless hon. I am so sorry. You hang in there. Losing your first love is terrible. You know that I know. There will be a second love, I promise. You know that I know that too.

    Be good to yourself in the meantime.

    oxox
    nina

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  11. Deb - I'm so sorry to hear about this. Hang in there lady. We're all thinking of you.

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  12. Deborah... so sorry to hear this. Hope you do better every day - and you will.

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  13. Oh no... I am so sorry to hear that. Hang in there.

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  14. Peace, love, and happiness to you. Hope for your best.

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  15. Not sure what I can say that hasn't been already said. My sympathies. If you need to rant, you know where to find me.

    Breakups, no matter how old we get, don't get easier with time, I find. Avoiding relationships, on the other hand, does. So admire yourself for having the courage to engage, no matter the results.

    Soon, one day, you will wake up and be your new self. Time, as they say, much as we deny it, does heal. Slowly.

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  16. I really need to keep up on reading your blog.
    I hope that this delayed response finds you feeling the warmth of the sun on your face and a fresh outlook on what's to come.

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