My mother will be 72 on Saturday. Her assessment of me hasn't changed much in the nearly two years since I wrote "Skimming the Surface". The biggest change to our relationship is my brother's return from prison. He, as always, permeates the family dynamic. Her call to thank me for the hand-crafted, personalized birthday card I sent, wound up being about him and his upcoming (reported--kinda like the boy who cried wolf) nuptials. Never-the-less, complicated or not, I wish my mother the happiest of days.
SKIMMING THE SURFACE*
My
mother has decided that I’m complicated. Nothing I say or do can dissuade her
from that assessment. In fact, everything I say or do, seems to serve to
solidify the opinion she has come to in the past year or so since I came out to
her.
She
is either unable or unwilling to expound on that which renders me complicated.
So, I can only speculate.
I
suspect that the “complicated” tag transcends my sexuality. I suspect
that my mother is finally struggling to know who I am after all these years. I
suspect that she has come to realize that our relationship for most of my life
merely skimmed the surface of the who of us. That we never delved beyond the
obvious or the mundane. I suspect she has come to believe that I do not espouse
all her values.
I suspect that said belief makes her extremely uneasy.
The
eight years leading into and now the few out of my lesbian-flavored epiphany
are all about discovery. I’d spent so many years prior hiding, suppressing,
denying, and comporting myself to align ever-so-carefully with what I thought
others wanted, that I cast barely a shadow of any authenticity. I walked the
walk and talked the talk that everyone expected. Carefully coloring my life
within the lines. In my mind, to do otherwise conscripted me to a lifetime of
pain and suffering, in line with the messages delivered to me during my early
years.
I
suspect that she doesn’t believe me when I say, “I’m fine.” I suspect she
believes our relationship is tenuous at best and non-existent at worst. I
suspect that each time we disagree she believes it will be the last time we
speak. I suspect she is afraid. She is afraid that I don’t love her (enough),
that I don’t care (enough), that I don’t have (enough) in me to do what she’ll
require as she loses more and more of her self-sufficiency. I suspect she
doesn’t want that burden for me and me alone. I suspect she’s most afraid that
we’ll run out of time, that we won’t be able to repair the mistakes of the
past.
These
years have been about discovery. I’ve discovered that I’m intensely fierce with
my love. I’ve discovered that my authenticity hasn’t and won’t bring the
world to a crashing end. I’ve discovered that my mother is troubled. I’ve
discovered it isn’t all about me. I’ve discovered that I can’t fix her; I can
love, assist, and try to encourage her, to the best of my ability. I’ve
discovered that troubled or no, she is much stronger than she realizes. I’ve
discovered that she supports me, complications and all.
She
is either unable or unwilling to expound on that which renders me complicated.
So, I can only speculate.
I
suspect that the “complicated” tag transcends my sexuality and further that all
the discoveries will ultimately lead to a happier, more fulfilled rest of each
of our lives.
*As Published in Our Big Gayborhood
