I have a friend, a rather new friend, who is struggling. I won’t name or link to her because 1. I haven’t asked her and 2. Don’t want to put her on blast…which is to say I wouldn’t want to
Anyhoo… the friend is struggling with a number of issues not the least of which is the coming out process. She’s married, with children and has come to the realization that she’s a lesbian. She had begun her journey, had a plan in place and then tragedy struck, setting back the process of progress.
Stagnate. Yet, oops there it is: lesbian, hear me roar and the desire to get on to the next phase is strong. Alive. I know this feeling well. I offer whatever encouragement I can. Yeah, that’s me, the new kid on the block offering….something, anything.
I’d given my mom Neta’s numbers to have in preparation of my first visit in March. While winterizing her apartment the other day, I noticed she still has the paper taped to one of her walls. My mom has not asked me one single, solitary question about Neta. We have not discussed the Facts of Neta, i.e. my life.
Yet,
after our Thanksgiving meal, D was rattling on about one thing or another, at some point I heard (vaguely, as I was dozing) her say "…you know like, I might dream about helping mom because Neta had broken up with her….“ I think they were talking about Jerry Springer or Divorce Court, point is, mom let that part of the conversation pass like a silent fart. Even in my stupor I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my daughter’s intention to put me on blast. Oh well, It doesn't matter because it is what it is. Ask me. I'll tell.
To my friend: the road may be littered with debris right now but the cleaning crew is on the way. Things will look clearer soon.
Hey Middle girl - ditto your comments.
ReplyDeleteTo your friend - hang in there. It may be a bumpy ride, but the road will smooth out eventually.
Best wishes.
Truth is sometimes not easy at first - then it becomes the easiest thing in the world. I know she'll get there.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how your struggle can translate into eventually helping another?
ReplyDeleteJust from blog-observation, I'm going to guess your mom already knows.
On a side note, with as personal as you allow yourself to get here, I would love to hear the story of how you discovered you were a lesbian. The triggers, inklings, and eventual epiphany. I think it would make for a great story - and possibly a great catalyst for others.
Moms know things. I'll bet yours has put two and two together.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to your friend. Can't be easy, but I can't imagine that it won't get better.
As I often said to Lisa during the early part of our relationship when she had so much fear about "speaking the words" with her parents -- they know. A mom knows, I think. And I often told her that she wasn't giving her mom enough credit in the "unconditional love" area.
ReplyDeleteI didn't come out until the new millenium. And it gets easier and easier. But, the really hard hard HARDEST part was with the kids. I didn't really give a rat's patoot about the rest of the world, but I did hope with all my heart that my kids would still love me and accept me as their mom. "As long as you're happy," is their mindset.
The coming out process is rarely easy, but being able to freely live as ourselves is priceless.
ReplyDeleteI've never had THE conversation with my parents. We use the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
ReplyDeleteWorks for me.
My Mom is the queen of accidentally mentioning stuff other people are not supposed to know about.
ReplyDeleteYou TOD are and have been a very good friend to me. I can empathize with your friend as so many of us struggle in our journey. She is lucky to have you in her life and I hope she is able to find as much comfort and friendship with you as I have. oxox
ReplyDeleteAs for parents, I think I said this on someone else's blog a few days ago but they are both in their middle 70's so I have decided to just let jesus tell them when they get there.
neen
Coming out for me was like ripping off the band-aid. It stung for just a second.. but then it felt ohhh so good to have that spot of me exposed to the clear, fresh air.
ReplyDeleteMy best to your friend.
Ughh, honey, silent fart or not, Mom knows...if she really doesn't I'm with Nina, Jesus will bring her up to speed. My mom hounded me for months until I finally turned around and said "YES, I AM!" She said, NO YOU ARE NOT! Ok, you can't win. Don't worry, and your daughter was just trying to "wake you up" she didn't want to have to be the only one talking to grandma!!!
ReplyDeleteUgh...that's hard. I'm so sorry that your mother is like that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to your friend, she has a good friend in you :)
Do not underestimate a mother's mysterious superpowers of selective hearing and denial. I was certain—CERTAIN—that my mother knew and that I was merely honoring our relationship by getting it out in the open—just a formality, don't you know. Au contraire! Could have knocked her over with the wind of a feather. Meanwhile, my dad, who I had pegged as oblivious, replied, "Yeah, I kind of figured." They make for crazy times, the coming-out process.
ReplyDeleteMy one sister...when I decided to come out to my entire family all within a one week time span....said to me, without missing a beat, what took you so long!!
ReplyDeleteOn the whole it was a good experience for me....and I am sorry that's not been the case for you and your friend....why can't people just live and let live??
{{{{Hugs}}}} to you AND your friend....
Ugh. Coming out stories. They are rarely pretty and that makes me sad. I came out when I was 24 at Thanksgiving dinner. I still can't believe I was actually THAT naive. I honestly thought my family would be glad for me that I had finally found love.
ReplyDeleteMy mother disowned me on the spot and threatened to disown my sisters if they spoke to me.
For the next eleven years, I was completely on my own. It was tough but I got through it and to be honest, it caused some of my strengths to rise to the top. In the end, it was a good thing that happened to me out of a really sad time...
And I will never sit in that closet again.