Not the Same Old Song *

Mem'ries, like the corners of my mind, misty water-colored mem'ries . . .

Deep inside the recesses of my mind is what was playing on the radio during my first solo road trip. Gosh darn it if I could dredge it up now even if my life depended on it. The music I remember during that trip, beyond the rattling of my nervous energy, was the song of sweet flirtation. 

We'd met on-line just a few weeks (maybe a couple) prior to my trip. We emailed furiously every day after the initial meet. Somewhere around day 5 we exchanged phone numbers. Emails turned into text messages which turned into phone calls.

During the eight or so hour drive to Memphis we spoke twice, perhaps thrice. So charming was her accent, a mix of nearly native Tennessean, by way of the west coast, by way of Europe. What was said during these calls? Couldn't tell you. What I remember is how the timbre of her laughter and deceptive cadence soothed and thrilled me for the next leg(s) of the trip. 

Excited to meet the ladies from Texas? No doubt, but fueling that trip, beyond all the firsts...was the flirt and the sweetness of that sound. 

It changed me. She changed me. 

Mem'ries, like the corners or my mind, misty water-colored mem'ries . . . 

*Scintilla Prompt (Friday)  Thursday and Saturday. . . thinking. Loving the challenge, the sharing, the stories. 



            

Review, Renew

I spent two of the past three years falling and and then actively being in love. I found myself wrapped with it's warmth and thrilled by the euphoria that resides in that fascinating state.



This year I've been sinking out of love of that love. The warmth and euphoria ebbing bit by bit every one of these 300 plus days.



Some of the 300 days have been incredibly cold and low. Some, however have been somewhat closer to fine.



It has been an experience I'd just soon not repeat, but one I suppose I needed to have. Into each life a little love must fall? I don't know, what I do know is that I'm ready to put this year behind me. The sinking out of love, the trials experienced by my son, daughter, and mother have well worn me.


Before kicking the dust of 2009 off my heals, I be going on a trip. A small sojourn to the land of Texas. Houston to be more precise. I am being welcomed to eat, drink (wine, more than likely) and be merry by and with some lovely ladies.

To paraphrase the ladies Pointer, I'm so excited, it has been hard to hide it, I'm about to lose control and I've given up fighting it. After one more work day and the office holiday party, I'm out. For all intents and purposes, I am already. Focus. Hard.

I'll be back before Christmas, and here to put the rest of 2009 to bed and to get a leg up on 2010.

I'm so excited!!

So It Begins...Again

When can I see you again

When can my heart beat again, baby

When can I see you again

And when can I breathe once again

And when can I see, babe, again

Wanna see you again

Again...*

The wait until the next time. At present that is tentatively February. Could be a small, short trip before then, but then again . . .

The trips are hard. The travel part is becoming easier and in some ways, sad yet routine. This trip down there was the usual: constantly chattering toddlers (& mother, aunt and grandma heading to Tennessee for a family wedding), someone who couldn't quite grasp the concept of the overhead bin door, a chronic (fill: cough, sneeze, wheeze, whine) and a cowboy hat wearer. The return travel featured the oh so routine sit-on-the-runway-30 minute-weather-related delay, the must make 400 phone calls before cellphones must be turned off person, sarcastic flight attendant, the "oh, is this row 7 I thought this was 6" person and the frantic fleeing of patrons trying to make connecting flights. Routine.

Though ecstatic at the thought and overjoyed at the actual experience of seeing, touching and being the the company of Neta I am always sad when our time comes to an end. We are always sad. This time and each time, even more so. This time after I returned we had...words. Many, many words later we are coupled in a different way and though not much closer to shrinking the physical distance, emotionally we couldn't be closer.

Long distance relationships are hard, everybody has told me so. 'Tis true. In general, though relationship are tough, especially in the beginnings and even more especially when you have the extra added pressures of all the coming and going.

Relationships go through phases. The transitions through said phases can be bumpy. Neta and I are able to talk and more importantly, listen to one another. It remains to be seen if, or rather when when we will be able to break through the barriers rooting us to our respective turfs. But at the end of the day we have a deep and abiding love and respect for one another. She is quite simply, my heart and I will move heaven and earth to be with her, always.

*When Will I See You Again Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds

Be Still My Heart

. . . well, not still. If it were still then I'd be, well, you know.

What I mean is slow down to, you know, normal. It's been racing you see. As has my mind. Racing with thoughts of being down there. By there, I mean in TN. Not just anywhere in Tennessee, but her part of Tennessee.

She'll be there at Nashville's airport, waiting in baggage claim, standing as usual, at the bottom of the escalator looking up to me with those eyes. The heart and mind will begin to slow and settle immediately upon sight of her. Of that, I am sure.

However, I could use some interim salve, for getting through this day and the next will be hard enough without the vroooooms booming the heart.

These Eyes

...are calling out to me.

Who Needs It?

We have to what amounts to 3 or 4 dates (albeit somewhat extended) a year. These buggers better be gone by Friday, or I'll... I'll... Well, I don't know what, but they just better vanish!

The Look of Love

The look of love is in your eyes

a look your smile can't disguise

the look of love

is saying so much more than these words could ever say

and what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you

how long I have waited

waited just to love you, now that I have found you

don't ever go

You've got the

Look of love, it's on your face

a look that time can't erase

be mine tonight

let this be just the start of so many nights like this

let's take a lover's vow and then seal it with a kiss

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
how long I have waited
waited just to love you, now that I have found you
don't ever go
don't ever go
I love you so…

Upon seeing my frame (with photo installed) mom's only comments were, "Who is Herman Hesse? and That's a nice frame." I related what I knew of Herman Hesse which, to be frank, was a lot less than I now know. I thanked her for her compliment and thus ended that conversation.

Months later she spied some of the shots from Neta's visit this summer, framed and prominently very lived in living room. Mom didn't have much beyond, "those are nice pictures" to say.

. . . and I've totally lost where this post was meant to go, but I do know how it was meant to end:

Neta is prominent on my walls, my mind and my heart. I love the look of her eyes. I love even more what I see beyond them. When I see her I see the miracle that is life, I see hope, I see togetherness and I see joy.

Joy to my girl lady.

The Look of Love penned by B. Bacharach / H. David and performed by nearly everybody.

August

I had a chilling thought this morning. Soon, I must begin the process of pulling out for assessment my fall and winter wardrobe. I know already that I need shoes, everyday walking in the rain and snow type-shoes. More slacks and maybe more sweaters too. I probably should have started a few weeks ago, but I haven’t wanted to think about it. Not about the winter, so much, I’m used to that. I am not looking forward to the shopping.

NO I do not like shopping at all. I am, however, least bothered by shoe shopping. I even almost enjoy shopping for shoes. That though, is probably because I feed off daughter’s energy. She takes shoe shopping pleasure to a whole. nutha. level. Truth be told she's like that about clothes shopping too, but that joy, for some reason doesn't pull me in as much.

While I was doing the touristy thing last week, I met some women on a trolley. They were sisters traveling with their children and they were from Tennessee, Nashville, in fact. They asked among other things, if I’d ever been to Nashville. I told them of my very special friend who lives just outside Nashville and yes, I’d been down there many times in the last couple of years.

They asked if I’d been to any of the clubs (a couple) and offered that I might enjoy living in the Nashville area. They said in unison, “the winters are really mild.” I told them that I was hoping to convince my TN friend to come here for a spell during the winter. I was thinking how fetching she’d look in boots and a fuzzy hat.

That thought warms me, though the 80 plus degree temps today (and through the weekend) plays a part in that warmth. Yum. Enjoying it much, while it lasts.

for eb (and other inquiring minds)

Or...more about the trip south. Have any idea what you get when you take (2) 46 y.o. lesbians (ebony/ivory combo optional), toss in 2 cups of long distance relationship, add another 1/4 cup of mis-construed comments and mix that all together with 2 1/2 cups of emotional baggage? What you get dear friends is tears. Put me in the mind of that old O'Jays tune. To borrow a phrase, jeezie creezie!
The girlfriend and I spent some parts of our precious time together recently crying over one thing or another. The tears appearing fast and ending just as quickly. Still, we laughed more. In addition to the crying and laughing we spent the bulk of our days and nights eating, drinking, watching movies and just being together.

We took in the Nashville Zoo on probably the hottest of the hot days. Afro dude here was a big hit. I was in heat heaven. Neta, not nearly as tolerant to high heat and humidity grinned (barely) and withstood it for me. We did finish the trip with some ice cold beers and other tasty treats.

Much about this trip was the same as the previous ones. (I'll never tire of the loaded omelets or uhm..other perks, honey) and there was much that was different (Popsicle play was reeeally cool & thanks again for the b-day cake, sugar!) Neta gets a charge out of being on hand to help me experience my firsts. In the world of many things lesbian that encompasses quite a bit. How surprised was I to learn there were firsts to share on both sides? Very. How pleased? Very, very. What I've enjoyed most about my trips so far though, is the rest. I sleep like a baby when I'm with my baby.

This trip also included meet and greets; another friend, co-workers and do dee do dee do dee do deeeeeee THE PARENTS. Mom had been nagging Neta nutty about meeting me. Of course I was nervous but not worried. The meeting(s) went off without a hitch. They were both gracious, friendly and pleasant. Dad offered an explanation as to why there were two TVs running (as did Mom) and Mom talked a mile a minute. She is full of energetic verve. I enjoyed meeting them both and look forward to getting to know them better.

This trip, the longest of the three to date was also the most fun, emotionally charged, sweet and exciting. We spent every moment together, except for that last un-planned partial day and we tried very hard to keep the eventual "so long" (we don't say good-bye) out of our heads.

The first week back was always the hardest. This time was no exception. Adding to the pangs this time is the knowledge that in all likelihood we won't see each other again until December. We plan on spending the end of the year together, we will celebrate someones birthday (shhhh she's ignoring it), the anniversary of our meeting and bring in the New Year wrapped in each other's arms. We might even be awake at the stroke of midnight, doubtful, but it could happen.

In the meantime, we will try to avoid thinking about December being 5 long months away while burning up the phone lines talking each other giddy.

So.......

The plan was to fly back into Chicago on Wednesday evening, un-pack, de-compress, re-connect with D, talk with Neta, turn in for the night and prepare for work on Thursday. Talking with Neta and turning in for the night were the only un-changed parts of the plan. My flight was delayed and likely cancelled Wednesday due to weather in the Chicago area. I didn’t stay around longer than 9 p.m. to find out the ultimate disposition of flight number 4337 scheduled to depart at 6:30 p.m. After numerous delays and very little hope, I re-scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I made 3 phone calls, home, my boss and Neta. She came back to the airport some 4 hours after dropping me off, kissing me good-bye. We returned to her place, relaxed a bit and turned in for the night.

As happy as I was to spend more time with Neta it was under less than ideal conditions, I was frustrated and tired; she was tired and had to be at work early the next morning. I don’t present well in this part, so you’ll forgive me for glossing over. We talked, kissed and made nicer.

****I miss you lover girl****

Thursday morning came, after bagels and coffee, Neta went to work. I stayed “home” to keep checking the flight info. She returned at her lunch-time to take me to the airport for a 1:30 flight. We said our good-byes again and I went to check in. Thursday’s flight 4484 was delayed an hour because the Prez and Air Force One were in Nashville and at our scheduled 1:30 departure, still on the ground. Planes can’t land when Air Force One is on the ground, preparing for take-off. The plan I was scheduled to take to Chicago (and a few others) circled Nashville for nearly an hour, waiting for the Prez to split. Finally AFO took off, planes landed. My plane was emptied, cleaned and prepped. We boarded and took off towards Chicago. I called my daughter with an expected arrival time of around 4:00. Well, at 3:30 we were circling, no clearance to approach because of the weather. We were ultimately diverted to Arkansas for re-fueling and a new flight plan.

Thirty minutes later and all gassed up, the new plan was finally in place and announced. We were going to go around the weather, come into Chicago from the back-door, so to speak. We landed at 7:15 p.m. One hour and 30 minutes later, I was home. The bit more than one hour flight took 24 frustrating, tiring hours. I don’t however, want that to over-shadow the absolute joys and pleasures I had while visiting with the lovely, charming Neta and her kitties, “Kamikaze” Bobo, (up top) so named because he preys on feet and “Tail-i-tude” Lulu, who looks like she dipped her face in ink, is somewhat aloof and makes her feelings known via her tail.

I will be back honey as soon as I can. No diggity, no doubt. Thanks for the two-week early birthday celebration. You are sweeter than that ice cream mud cake. Yummy!

T Time

I could tell you that from the moment I landed at Nashville International Airport, via American Eagle flight 4044 and into her sparkling eyes and open arms, we spent the next ninety-one hours (give or take) giving each other mind-blowing, earth shattering, limb weakening orgasms.

But I won’t.

What I will tell you is that from the moment I landed at Nashville International Airport, via American eagle flight 4044 and into her sparkling eyes and open arms, we spent the next ninety-one hours (give or take) taking great comfort in our common ground, exploring even further our differences, having great laughs, food and drinks.

We went for a long drive, giving me the opportunity to see more of the Tennessee landscape, much of it quite beautiful. I met some family, friends and learned more about what makes Neta tick and tock.We talked about everything and nothing, about the real and the absurd, about the here, now and more.

When it was all said and done, at the end of the day, we relaxed, rested and had a very good time. We became more real to one another and we can’t wait to do it again, over and over and over again.

Tennessee Two

Neta and I talk everyday. I may have mentioned this once or twice before. Our conversations for weeks now have traveled in mostly the getting to know you lanes. Now and again we veer off onto other ramps and into other lands still making discoveries about one another even without direct admissions of facts or figures.

Sometime, one day, we talked about states, as in the United of America and capitals. Like many of our travels of talk I'm not quite sure how we took that turn, what brought us to that place, but there we were. Do you remember being in school and having to learn all the state capitals and other facts and trivia about the states? Do you know them still, the capitals? State birds? Motto? Song?

I discovered that I knew or could remember, with some concentration, facts about some states. There were some that I couldn't call up, or perhaps, never even knew. I've been thinking much about facts and trivia related to states, as in the United of America generally and Tennessee in particular.

My not too extensive research un-earthed the following: Tennessee won the nickname as "The Volunteer State" during the war of 1812 when volunteer soldiers from Tennessee displayed marked valor in the Battle of New Orleans. The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of the state. Shelby County boasts more horses per capita than any other county in the US. Tennessee has more than 3,800 documented caves.

In 1933 the Mockingbird was decreed the state bird and the Iris, the state flower. Boarded by eight states, Tennessee ties with Missouri as the most neighborly state in the union. The city of Kingston served as Tennessee's state capital for a single day in September 1807. Andrew Johnson held every elective office at the local, state, and federal level, including President of the United States following the assassination of Abe Lincoln.

I am fascinated by facts and trivia. Having only skimmed the surface, my interest as been piqued, my curiosity sparked. Particularly fetching was the fun fact regarding how "Tennessee" was so named. The name originates from the old Yuchi Indian word, "Tana-see," which means "The Meeting Place". Fitting, since a conference being held in Tennessee was the catalyst that led to the first meeting between me and the ladies from Texas. Moreover, as mentioned, Tennessee is the current home of my very own Lady Vol. We will be meeting face to face, hand in hand, for the second time later tonight.

We didn't have much in the way of time for sight-seeing or the pursuit of trivia when I visited in March. Maybe this time we will. Or, maybe not.

We will, however, be meeting at some place, again and again. That's a fact.

Reporter ?

The conversation began as many others before and a few since,
me: hey
eb: hey yourself
me: what's doin?
eb: shame shit different day
Or somthing similarly eb like.

One comment led to another and before you know, wham bam boom, I was putting in for two more of those 2006 vacation days, reserving a car and wrapping my head and arms around the idea that I was heading to Memphis, all alone, to meet up with two famous bloggers and play correspondent in the shadow of The National Conference for Media Reform.

The nervousness exists on several levels.

I've not gone anywhere without one or both of my children. They've left me, flown solo, but never the other way around. I don't have any particular concerns about leaving them to fend for themselves. They are capable adults and are adept self fenders. It is however, a FIRST. Firsts tend to invite nervous knots.

Meeting people for the first time, particularly people with whom you've enjoyed some sort of relationship tends to cause a nervous titter, at least for me. Will they like me as well in living color and I them? Will we click, clank or clunk?

This is my first foray into the public eye housed in the skin of a lesbian. Oh sure, I've been around and about, but I've basically lived the same life after my reveal as before, with a few barely noticeable exceptions. I won't go rolling into Memphis in a rainbow wagon, flying banners touting gay marriage, this is a Save the Internet conference, not a pride parade. Still, at least two people there will see me, know me as a lesbian. How will that feel? They don't know me as anyone else, so there aren't comparisons to make, still, nervous nellie lesbian thoughts abound.

Before filing any reports from the road though, some local reporting is in order. While I've enjoyed the support of both my son and daughter, I still tread carefully when addressing serious topics for the first time.

Michael, in his usual calm reserve asked, why Memphis. I explained about the conference and the meeting with ladies from Texas. He shrugged and went on his way, stopping only to remind me that his photo shoot is on the 15th and I'd agreed to pay the sitting fees.

Dani asked why, when, how long and with whom. I began the explanation. She stopped me mid-sentence, "hey, is this a lesbian thing? You're going to meet those Google Lesbian Buddies," as she calls my few chat mates, "aren't you?"

I hadn't played up that part of the recitation, I didn't think. More questions and answers later, she started telling me first time meeting horror stories she'd seen on any of the several reality shows she follows. I tried to offer her contact information for the GLBs in question, to assuage her concerns. She brushed that away and just asked me to please not spill food on my shirt. I can be a sloppy eater. I told her I'd try to be neat.

Some days later I tackled the toughest tell, mom. My mom, upon hearing any news, peppers inundates the deliverer with questions. A bombardment guaranteed to exhaust and frustrate. Mom doesn't trust the Internet so much assurance must be made that checks were made and care is being employed. She was concerned that I'd be going alone. I explained how I was meeting some on-line friends there. The lesbian connection was not discussed. Mom is not aware such a connection exists. This is best kept for another day. This topic deserves its own platform, its own bombardment.

Never fully satisfied, but willing to move on, mom expressed how she thought it was good I was getting away to do something for myself, finally. Still, she left me with, "I hope those Internet people you're meeting aren't weird."

I didn't tell her that I like a little weird in my peeps.