Monday, November 17, 2014

Cold As Ice

#microblogmonday

One day last week, once I am not-too-comfortably seated on the first of two buses for the commute home, I open messages left throughout the day. (Work rules dictate that I cannot have my mobile device on my person while at my workstation). There, out of the dark, lay a voicemail from my father's second wife.

Chilled.

My father died Septenber 6, 2012. Five days after his 74th birthday. I didn't know it then, but my mother would die just barely 5 months later.

My insides have been as chilled as our outsides (temperatures plummeting from 60s to 30s in a twenty four hour cycle and staying there). My father's second wife (okay,  okay . . my step-mother's) message did not warrant a call back, in fact, she didn't leave a call back number--so I didn't call her back. She called my brothers as well and they in turn (of course) eventually called me. A family issue and decisions. I know if she had had a choice, we (my brothers and me) would have been out of the loop.

To the bones.

Tears have been a large part of the last several days. Tears steeped in annoyance and more. The annoyance for the folks this call put in my world, put in play.Their ignorance of me (us) their incompetence and their intrusion. The more; grief, memories, lonliness for my mom's presence.

 The upcoming week will mean more of the same for nothing is settled (yet). The issue at hand stands to haunt for many days beyond as one brother is out of sync with the other (and me). I trust this will hamper our becoming closer--for there has been little movement in that regard since our post mom's death discussion.

So, so cold.

The outside as well as on the inside for which no amount of layering will remedy.


8 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you have experiencing this. : (

    My brother and I have long been estranged (due to his homophobic wife) but when my mother died, the little gravity that held our family in orbit just blew apart. Once I realized that there was nothing I could do to make the situation better, I let it go. My sister and I have each other and it is enough.

    I hope whatever it is that keeps you in this situation resolves quickly and that you can fully enjoy the warmth of those who love you.

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    1. Me too. Thank you. Never close, once the dust settles, older brother and I might not even be cordial. We'll see.

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  2. I am so incredibly sorry that you got that jarring message, that it has set off turmoil. No good words, but just abiding with you.

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    1. Thank you. I just want the IT done so we can all move on in whichever direction that turns out to be.

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  3. Family. So hard, sometimes. So discouraging.

    Wishing you the fortitude to get through it, D. Even if that means caring less about it...

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    1. True.

      Thank you for the kind words.

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  4. I think of all the trials and tribulations of my life and family is always the one thing that I can't seem to settle within myself. God...the wanting to just shake that karma off is so intense. I get this post.

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    Replies
    1. the wanting to just shake that karma off is so intense Oh, yeah.

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