Laverne And Dion

During my child and teen years mom held very few ‘regular jobs’. We were on public assistance. She got money, food stamps and a medical card cover our basic needs. It was hardly ever enough.

To supplement the meager income my mom sold things when she could. As she was ‘sick’ much of the time ‘when she could’ was not very often. Still, when she was up and about she worked at home based merchandising.

There was of course the grand poobahs of home based business, TupperWare, Avon and Mary Kay. Mom also dabbled with lesser known entities to distribute sexy lingerie and ‘adult’ themed candles. And then there was Empress Pearls.

Mom gave Empress Pearl parties. There was food, drink and a tank for the ‘oysters’ containing precious ‘pearls’. Guests played games to win a chance to dive for oysters. The idea was to sell them jewelry for whatever ‘pearls’ were scored. As I recall.

In addition of offering food and drink, mom also offered entertainment.

Entertainment came in the form of Laverne and Dion, the last white people in the ‘hood’. They were a mother / son duo who sang, danced, told jokes and executed basic feats of magic. Mom met them in a bar she frequented, performing for beers and loose change. Laverne was in her late 50’s, wore short flippy skirts, blouses with ruffles and white moccasins. Think a younger, slightly less made up, slightly less psychotic Bette Davis as 'Baby Jane' Hudson and you’ve basically got Laverne. Dion, in his early to mid-twenties was studying to become a clown. He wore plaid shirts and always smelled of pickles. Think Weird Al Yankovic without the glasses, longer, greasier looking hair, scruffier presentation and you’ve basically got Dion.

They were . . . something.

Mom paid them with whatever was on the menu, usually fried chicken (or fish), greens, cornbread and of course, beer.

The Empress Pearl business didn’t last long for a number of reasons, not the least of which, very few of mom’s guests could justify spending what little money they had on ‘pearl’ earrings and necklaces too many times, and her pool of new suckers customers was very small.

But while it lasted those parties were scream riots.

Oh. My.