Remembrance and Loss

"When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. you just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keeping them tucked safely in your heart."   I don't remember where I read this quote, I wrote it on a random piece of paper some months ago. I marked it author unknown and promptly stuck it in a book where it stayed until Friday while looking for some other random thing written or sketched.  Ironically , one day before the anniversary of my mother's death.

      

Turns out that day was also the day my orange boy, Buttah died. I haven't talked about it much, but Buttah has been sick. The sickness came on rather suddenly and progressed rapidly.  At first it seemed like something that would pass, he was acting a little differently but was otherwise, fine--all the markers, marked. Until the last few days. He didn't appear to be in any distress caused by pain. He leaned in to all our touches and ministrations. We made him as comfortable as we could in his final days and on Friday, he went to sleep. Quietly. 

The parallels are striking. My head and heart are in a swirl.

 
Pair Buttah's demise with remembering mom with receiving communication from an attorney regarding a pending case related to my dad and his death,  totally out of the blue, all within the same days, and well. . . loss and remembrance, remembrance and loss, like a never ending loop.




The hours, minutes, seconds of the last several days have been consumed with thoughts of mom and dad; tucked safely in a heart now cracked open needing to make room for my dear orange guy. Loss and remembrance. Remembrance and loss. Running in a loop. 

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Three (now Two) From One Thousand

The actor at a table read. 

Last year, I shared this  The year before that, this  And many years before, this .  All that has been said before remains true and even more. In addition to acting and the music noted in previous posts, the man who will turn the page on his 35th birthday on Wednesday, will add a directing credit to his resume.

He has spoken at length of the challenges, the joys, and the pains of the process. And how he is enjoying every minute of it. He said, "If I can cultivate an environment where a bunch of strangers want to work together to create, then much of my work is done.

Casting (an arduous process) is now complete. Rehearsals will begin soon. And then, opening day!

Not sure I can adequately convey just how hard this guy works, how "matter-of-factly" he takes the knocks that come his way, how focused and committed he is to craft, to art, to creativity, to life and how art plays into that.

I wish my son a happy birthday (in two days). I wish his spirit and verve for life and art continues to grow.


                                                                               

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Take Aways

No, I didn't attend any of the marches. But checking in during Saturday into Sunday via multiple news sites and social media pages, I was floored by the magnitude. The global response to Friday's event was mind-boggling, overwhelming; encouraging.       

Overwhelming yes, encouraging, absolutely. But, also sobering. 

These two images culled from hundreds, perhaps thousands, state just how large the the job ahead is, just how much work there is yet to do. The marches, the speeches, the signs, and the petitions, is only the beginning.   

For those who gathered on Saturday, thank you. For you and the rest of us, the work continues. We have only just begun.  

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You've Got Mail

sprout pencils

Happy New Day!  Here we are smack dab in the middle of a new month, the first month of a brand new year and I am not feeling the newness; I am not feeling optimism usually associated with a new year (particularly when coupled with a new administration); I am not feeling UP. 

Maybe because the cold hasn't fully left my body. My right eye is phlegmy and sensitive. However, it is responding positively to treatment. For that, I am grateful. 

Still, it is a new year, a new administration, a new drive to speak up, stand up, be present, and a re-commitment to that which brings me joy and hopefully comfort to others; writing letters.   A colleague of my son's was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I shared the Girls Love Mail program with him as a way to support others as well as his colleague. 

Happy New Day! for I am taking on this year, one day at a time; treating, acting, addressing, art-ing, writing, sharing, caring . . as the day presents, unfolds. 

Happy Birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. May his wisdom, words, and strength embolden us all to live out loud. 

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Family: Life Matter

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One of my weekend projects (in the midst of my recuperation from the head cold that won't go fully away) was to get personal business and household papers in order which also meant: purge. Out with the old, in with the new(er) and all that whiz.

Well, I got that done. Feeling somewhat energized and motivated to move on to another project (inside over outside given the air temps this weekend) I decided to tackle the main photo and other memorabilia cabinet;
stuffed so full of our lives that the door didn't fully close.

Soon after I began, the thought that I'd bitten off more than I could chew crystallized in my mind. The volume of items paled when factored against with the volume of emotional intensity.

And then my daughter came into the room. She looked through some of the items, marveling at the sweetness, invoking memories of sheer joy. She commented on how the images of she and her brother as young children illustrated how protective he has always been, how loving, how gentle . .  We laughed over the kindergarten writings, the sixth grade essay, the toothless grins, the "Garfield" necklace and earring set, and especially the images of a dad fully engaged, fully invested.

My ex-husband died just before Thanksgiving. His relationship with the kids was strained long before we split. The chasm grew with his re-marriage, a stroke, a move to a Mississippi nursing home after he and the second wife split. Our daughter (much like I did with my absent dad) tried to engage, tried to embrace, tried to include him in her life, and be included in his, with little success. The experiences of the past several years left her a little broken which of course, broke my heart as I recalled my own brokenness over my dad's distancing himself from my life.

And then, Saturday. She saw what she hadn't remembered, what she hadn't known about her dad, my dad, the whole of all our lives. And we laughed. We were able to say goodbye. We were able to uplift his presence in our lives and embrace the joy that was, that is, that will always be, our family.

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Scattered Not Gory

The Magic of Christmas 

The above image is one of the few family Christmas photos featuring me and my siblings as children. My older brother is standing next to me and the younger is barely in the frame. That is is elbow. This is a Christmas morning circa 1965 or 1966 with my mom as photographer. It was my intent to post this along with memory lane jog before the 25th of December but I was smacked with a doozie of a head cold that left me horizontal as often as possible. What little present energies were spent getting to (and attending to) work. Even still, I was sent home early one day and called off another. I've already burned some 2017 PTO hours.

Today is the best day of the last ten. The worst is over. Knock wood.

I've forgotten where this was going . . .     oh, nowhere really, except that Scattergories is one of my favorite games. Daughter and I played a couple of rounds between my coughing and sniffling. Some FB friends were passing around a Scattergories with a twist--using the first letter of your last name to answer the questions posed:

P    Animal: Porcupine.
      Girl's Name: Penelope
      Boy's Name: Peter
      Color:  Purple
      Movie: Poseidan Adventure
      Something You Wear: Pants
      Drink: Pink Lady
      Food: Pigeon Peas 
      Item in Bathroom: Pipe
      Place: Portugal
      Reason to be late: Pothole
      Car: Plymouth
      Composer: Puccini
      Author: Patricia Cornwell
      Singer: Paula Cole

I still don't know where this post was going, has gone, it is just . . well, is.    I hope everyone had a please holiday and if you had a break, I hope that too was pleasant.

Happy New Day!

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**published too late for Monday, but meant for Monday or at least earlier on Tuesday.  Yeah, still kinda scattered, operating at about 86% (generous).

Be Still

Pete in the Middle

When last we met Buttah was the featured feline planting himself in the middle of a project. Not to be outdone, here is Pete smack dab in the middle of a different project. Pete, unlike Buttah, isn't about offering any advice or wisdom. His motivations are: 1. feed me and 2. crank up the heat. He cares not what is going on unless he has determined the goings on are interfering with 1 and 2.

Pete, Buttah, and their canine counterpart, Cinnamon impact operations; most every task, most every project. How little or how much depends on the energy emitted into the atmosphere. The dynamic of the trio of fur has shifted in the last few weeks. We are still working through the newest normal. Winter (even unofficially) is not our signature season.

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Still Life

The last couple of weeks have been full of a mish-mosh of events, emotions, and more. While there are many things to say, I find myself devoid of fitting syntax to relate any of those things except this: wherever there is a project to be done, there is Buttah offering his sage advice and guidance.

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POST E . .

My daughter's election day text, "seeing his name on the ballot blows my mind" perfectly illustrates the state of my mind every day since. It isn't just that he won and she didn't but . . . well, you know what all came next and what is likely to continue.  

I read a graphic some weeks ago: picture ear buds with the text, Listening to 5 to 10 songs a day can improve memory, strengthen immune system and reduce depression by 80%.  While listening to my 5 to 10 I re-discovered, "Land of 1000 Dances" and was instantly thrown back to my childhood, to one of the pockets of pleasure, and mom trying to teach some of the dances mentioned. 

The music does help soothe. But to brighten a body needs more. Well, this body does.

We have already read about and / or witnessed the unleashed hate.We have already had some previews as to the direction this new regime would angling to lead this "great" country. And we already know there will be people, groups of people who will need the help that organizations like Planned Parenthood, The ACLU Legal Defense Fund, The Trevor Project, Center for Reproductive Rights, Natural Resources Defense Council, Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, Southern Poverty Law Center (to name a few) seek to service. Additionally, there are also petitions, protests, all manner and measures of support that may be offered.

So, in the spirit of being the change, this body is dancing to the tune of helping when and where I can.

                                                                     

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And the Winner Is

Some weeks ago I made an off-hand suggestion that daughter and I attend the 3rd annual Mac and Cheese Fest as it had been some time since we'd had one of our mother-daughter (good friends) outings. The $65.00 per ticket price knocked the possibility out of contention. And then, a couple of weeks ago, daughter mentions, not so off-handedly that her employer was going to participate in the festival, that we could get a deep discount on the tickets, and asked if I (still) wanted to go. For The Win. 

 We, along with hundreds of other visitors tasted offerings from caterers, restaurants, culinary institutes, and the like. We were asked for vote for our favorite/s. After the votes were tallied, the winner: Autumn Asiago Mac and Cheese (as pictured above) was announced.


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Chef Lex (in the white coat, here with her wife, Lindsey) and the team took the first runner up trophy from 2015. And this year, For. The. Win. bringing home the coveted Golden Noodle. Yay Team. 

My daughter's words: It's funny how life works out. I had a job offer to leave Chicago and then I got the offer from Amazing Edibles and after being with them from Late spring I grew with them, and I didn't just like my job I loved my job. And making decisions is apart of life but this choice to stay and working with Amazing Edibles has been hands down my best choice since deciding to pursue culinary. I wish everyone could have a supportive, knowledgeable, loving, caring work environment. I'm so happy they chose me and I chose them back! Thank you ladies for always dealing with this silly Dani even at 6am!

Congratulations to an incredible team who contribute to make Amazing Edibles amazing.  FTW.

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Game Faces

The Boys decided to keep me company while I watch one of the three World Series games our Cubbies played over the weekend. You may not be able to tell but they are simply overcome with the excitement of it all.

Seriously.

They are.

I'm not a big baseball fan. But it is hard to sit idly by while the city is so pumped.  Rooting for the home team.

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It's Official! Re-boot.

Dani wih Chester Chicago Pride 2008 

You may remember a mention some weeks ago of an opportunity my daughter had that was going to take her to Colorado and then Wyoming for the next two years. She was slated to leave early next month to report to the Colorado site within the next three weeks.

While extremely happy for and proud of her I don't mind telling you the prospect of saying good-bye (if even temporarily) was causing me some amount of anxiety. But, I stood strong for her sake. On the surface this was a grand opportunity.

In the days after the the announcement daughter worked (hard) to earn the fare. She made plans and decisions about how she would travel, what possessions to take and what to leave. All while emailing the company representative trying to get some definitive information on her assignment and more specifics about the set-up.

The information she was seeking was not forthcoming and as the days and then weeks leaked by she grew more and more anxious. The baseball season (her primary job was with the group that operates restaurants at US Cellular Field-Chicago White Sox) was drawing to a close and she was afraid of an employment / income gap. So she updated her resume and began to set up interviews.

To make a long story short (too late --a "Clue" reference) she isn't going to Colorado (or Wyoming).The part-time / independent contractor gig she was working with a local catering company offered her a regular, full-time, year-round job.

She is, in a word, stoked. And while a little sad about not traveling, she's pleased the the netting fell apart before she broke the bank moving out of state. And she will travel. And she will move away when the time and circumstances are right.

In the meantime, we celebrate the new job We celebrate the kitchen and business training she will receive.

My little girl (as my mother would have said) had a birthday last week. It was shaping up to be a hectic, bittersweet affair. But, it has turned into one of the happiest she's had in a few years. I am excited to bear witness to the next career and life steps.

For she's a jolly good daughter.

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Four Words

Seventeen. August 1st 1976, the day after my 16th birthday, the beginning of my seventeenth year. That August meant preparing for my last year of high school and trying to figure out a post high school life.

Life was, in a word, hectic.

Seventeen. August 1st 1977, the day after my 17th birthday. High School graduation done. First day of the first year of college fast approaching.

Life was, in a word, hectic.

Family life was in shambles with two out of control brothers. I was working three jobs to earn the money to begin school (and to get away which is what I wanted most in the world at the time).

A close, valued relationship came to a crashing end.

Life was, in a word, hectic.

If I were to have a conversation with my 17 year old self drilled down to 4 words those words would be:

Leave now, take charge. 

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What 4 words would you say to your 17 year old self?
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Dancing With The Universe

"However, Michael P’s delivery of the monologue in response to Lula’s indictment of him as an African-American man is nothing short of theatrical surgery. He is skillful and precise. And the ending stitches you up so well, you’ll never know you were under the knife."  NEW CITY STAGE

"The universe is a stage on which your mind dances with your body, guided by your heart." 

My heart, mind, and body dances with glee whenever I see my son on stage. Even in a difficult (where his character becomes angry and more . . ) role. The run of this play has ended. The next play is cast, research work will begin soon. 

Queue the universe. Queue the music. 

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Beginning the 'Ber Months

Last week, holiday aside, was a long, exhausting week. Due in part, to the resurrection of memories brought on by the anniversary of my father's death (and his birthday). Last week also marked the 58th birthday of my other brother to whom I haven't spoken with in over a year.

The first days of September are fraught tangled emotions and memories crashing upon themselves wreaking haoc on the status quo of day-to-day.

My younger brother called last week with chit-chat, news of a family death, and a request permission to pass on my email address to a cousin on our father's side who is looking to get in touch. I said sure, eventhough we'd been down this road before.

The first few days are now behind me stabilized by celebatory notes; happiest of happy birthday wishes extened to an aunt and two dear friends.

Welcome to the beginning of the 'Ber months.

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Six Word Story

Prompts

Sleepy stumble toward light and work. 

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Bud Out

My relationship with my co-workers is pretty cordial. In fact, the human resources / compliance director commented in my review that I got along with everyone. It isn't difficult as I like most of them. Most are pleasant and cordial in their own right.

Then something . . 

Last week a co-worker sidled up to my workstation with a pretense of making chit-chat about tea. A couple of seconds in, she pass me a note. My ears started burning for I knew this was BS in the making. The note began, "I don't mean to be nosey. . "

Why do folks open with the gambit when that is exactly what they intend?

In her note the co-worker wanted to know if I'd received a raise in conjunction with the recent review and if so, if I was happy with it.

Once  the urge to flash her my, "are you kidding me?" face passed, I replied, as gently and cordially as I could, "I am not comfortable with this topic." Co-worker cobbled up her note and toddled along back to her own workstation

We've worked together for over a year with little more than cordial greetings passing between us. If not for recent circumstances (company lost a large client forcing a couple of lay-offs. Others have resigned due to unhappiness with reassignments forced by lay-offs) I believe we could have gone weeks, months, beyond in a similar fashion.

Recent events notwithstanding, I was still taken aback.

Yet, I will endeavor to maintain my equanimity. I hope she and anyone else she may have shared some version of this event with does the same.

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The Threes of Me (2016)

A "getting to know you list: in sets of three: 

Three names I go by: 

1. Deborah 

2. Ma 

3. Miss Debbie 

Three jobs I have had in my life: 

1. Medical Biller 

2. Bookkeeper / Office Administrator 

3. Recruiter 

Three places I have lived: 

1. Franklin Blvd.  

2. Parnell Ave

3. Ridgeway Ave

Three Favorite* Drinks (author's note: not necessarily in this order.): 

1. Banana Basil Milkshake

2. Pineapple, Blueberry, Banana Smoothie

3. Martini (vodka w/habanero stuffed olives) 

Three TV shows that I watch (in real time) : 

1. Scandal

2. How To Get Away With Murder 

3. American Ninja Warrior 

Three TV shows that I watch (OnDemand)  : 

1, Rosemary and Thyme 
2. A Chef's Life
3. Black-ish

Three Places I have Been: 

1. Las Vegas, NV 

2. Dyer, IN  

3. Houston, TX  

Three people who e-mail/FB me regularly: 

1.Danielle 

2. Addie 

3. Rose

Three of my favorite* restaurants: 

1.Nando's Peri Peri 

2. Kinderhook Tap  

3. Melting Pot 

Three sets of 3 things I hate: 

1. criminal acts, injustice, speeders 

2. beets, black eye peas, okra 

3. losing things, wasteful acts, inadequate coverage of women's sports 

Three of my favorite cars (that I've owned): 

1. Toyota Camry

2. Dodge Lancer

3. Oldsmobile Delta 88 

Three favorite* websites: 

1. Elixher 

2. Mail Me Some Art 

3. Longreads

*I am not a fan of favorite anything;.using the term under duress and / or for the sake of efficiency.

Tell me 3 things about you (from the above list or random). 

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It's Official!

My "little girl" as my mother would say, is leaving. 

After deciding on culinary arts as a career, a year of school, 

and a nother couple of years of trying on a number of hats 

in and around Chicago, 

she has applied for, and has been accepted entry to a 

work / study program that will take her to resorts in Colorado 

and then, Wyoming. 

For the next two years. 

She will report to the Colorado location by November 7th. She will be there five months. 

She will have 30 days before she has to report to the Wyoming location, a moth home
and then back to Colorado.  . 

Except for a brief stint during her teen years 

and small vacations, my daughter has not ever 

been away from home.  

WE are excited (and nervous) in equal measure.
No, more excited than nervous. 

Danielle has prepared for the opportunity 

and is ready for this challenge. She is ready to 

take the wheel and steer the course of her career
and her life.    

I am sad at the prospect of her leaving. I am happy

she is getting to earn while she learns at not one, but two resort properties. 

I am proud that she's developed the confidence to 

take this leap. 

We have three months to drink it all in. 

Cheers! 

Congratulations to my only daughter!

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Birthday Weakend

Obviously, mom was a big part of every one of my birthday celebrations until . . . 

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And obviously, she is missed. 

After three years it isn't necessarily easier, but it isn't any harder.  

The memory of her enthusiasm and her smile carried me through. 

I am now beyond the half-way mark of the fifties.  
News of a big change was delivered this weekend. .  

Boom. 

It shall remain hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

#MicroBlog Monday 
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